Vader and the Lando

Optimized by JPEGmini 3.12.0.8 0x89504e13

Recently, I had a fantastic idea and realized that Disney had utterly missed a tremendous opportunity. I have not watched Solo: A Star Wars Story, but here is a different concept that may make for an entertaining use of the Star Wars Universe. Ready? Smokey and the Bandit Star Wars Crossover.

The whole thing can take place basically between Episode 3 and 4, since in Smokey and the Bandit, Bandit is already a bit of a has-been. At this point, the Empire will have a firm hold and have put in trade restrictions to make everyone’s life all kinds of hell.

Now, before we go too deep, there’s going to be a lot of younger readers wondering why we need this and what was even the point of Smokey and the Bandit in the first place. I had watched the movie when I was a kid and recently found it again on Amazon Prime. I let it run in the background while doing something else and caught something. I had no idea why what they were trying to do was illegal in the first place.

The basic premise of Smokey and the Bandit is that a pair of wealthy southerners wants a truckload of Coors beer for a party in Atlanta. The beer is in Texarkana, TX and needs driven across Arkansas, Mississippi, and Alabama to get to Atlanta, Georgia in under 23 hours. For some reason, this was considered bootlegging. It turns out that in the 70’s when the movie was made, Coors was still just a regional brewery. The beer was not pasteurized or made with any preservatives, so it became illegal to sell east of the Mississipi river.

The Map Of Mississippi River mississippi river map from mississippi solo lessons tes teach 704 x 704 X 359 Pixels – Blank World Map

So Bandit takes on this job of smuggling Coors into Georgia and decides that the best way to get a truckload of illegal goods past any amount of law enforcement is to distract them. While Snowman and his faithful Basset Hound Fred are driving the beer, Bandit drives ahead of them in a black Pontiac Trans-Am doing any number of illegal and reckless stunts to get police, sheriffs, etc. to chase him instead of pulling over the truck and finding the illicit cargo.

Smokey is the honorable Sheriff Buford T. Justice who starts chasing Bandit back in Texas. His son was supposed to be married to a dancer played by Sally Field. She got cold feet at the altar and hopped in Bandit’s Trans-Am instead. Smokey chases them with his son Jr, and they continue their pursuit across states and jurisdictions, making any chance of a successful prosecution as likely as the re-emergence of common sense in the Republican party.

How does this all relate to Star Wars? We’re at that point. I think Star Wars needs to make a pure comedy to expose the lighter side of their universe and this is the perfect opportunity. A shot for shot remake of Smokey and the Bandit set in the Star Wars Universe. Lando Calrissian can be the Bandit, with Han and Chewy being Snowman and Fred in the Millenium Falcon. They can make something similar to a Trans-Am for Lando; maybe he borrows Slave-One from Boba Fett to make the run for Jabba. Find some reasonable love interest for Lando, should be easy enough and we’ve got that side of the equation filled out.

On the opposing side, I think either Palpatine as Smokey and Vader as Jr could work, or Vader as Smokey and say Grand Moff Tarkin as Jr! I think either scenario in this could work well. The antics and things that happen throughout the movie can mirror the script of Smokey and the Bandit. The big things to determine is what they’re bootlegging and how far Lando, Han, and Chewy have to take it. We’ve seen pod races in Phantom Menace, and I’m sure a lot of the mining planets and other areas would be open to taking on all kinds of beverages that may be banned or target of burdensome regulation from the Emperor. So the seed for the story, the kernel of it is already there.

Disney and their writers could fill in some of the other gray areas of question in the Star Wars universe. Like food. They never seem to eat in these movies unless it’s Chewy trying to roast up some Porg while a whole family of Porgs watches him intently. Well, what about pie? I still believe that in a universe that has vast armadas of ships that make a warp jump, laser-wielding monks, and Shamrock Shake dispensing wall-cows, they had to have at some point mastered putting filling in warm pastry dough. Disney and Ron Howard, I await your calls. You can even still use Jerry Reed for the theme song!

*handed note*

Apologies, Jerry Reed died in 2008. But, Donald Glover could repise his role as Lando and provide the theme song in place of Jerry, may the Snowman rest in peace.

Here’s the start on the rewrite for that as Coruscant-Bound and Down.

Coruscant-Bound and down, Loaded up and flying.
We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done.
We’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there
We’re Kessel bound just watch ol’ Lando Run!

Keep your hand hard on that throttle son
Nevermind them brakes
Let it all hang out cause we got a run to make
Them boys are thirsty in Corellia,
And there’s beer in Dagobah
And we’ll bring it back no matter what it takes!

Coruscant-Bound and down, loaded up and flying.
We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done.
We’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there
We’re Kessel bound just watch ol’ Bandit Run!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *